You walk into a gift card store looking for the perfect birthday card. Wandering down the aisle, you come across the card that has a funny cat picture or silly cartoon on the front and nothing written inside. Now these cards are always labled as "empty" or "just because" cards. You can use them for anything and the card can be changed into multiple things- a condolence, a "catch up" card, birthday greetings... (I know, you're wondering where I'm going with this)
What if you were to receive one of those cards from God? What would that look like and would He even do that?
Is it possible He shows us stuff or gives us things "just because"? Because He wants to and because He can?
I received a "just because" moment from God earlier this week. I can't really explain it or place any reasoning behind it. I simply felt like God wanted me to enjoy it and see Him.
I was in the backyard of El Puente and I looked up at the moon. It was beautiful and Tana and I had both noticed it ealier that night. But when I looked at it this time, it was slightly more yellow and smaller. I thought it was somewhat odd and brought it to the attention of a couple of people. They commented that "yes it was the moon" and I decided I was seeing things.
I went to "my spot" (which happens to be two old columns on their sides) and sat with our new cat Jerry. I looked back up at the sky and sure enough, something was going on with the moon. But I didn't really know what. Over the next ten minutes, I saw the moon change from yellow-ish, to yellow, to orange, to red gold... and then disappear. I thought I was seeing things. Until I saw it reappear and disappear again. (I called Carlos over to have at least one other witness) I stood there and tried to figure out what it could mean, going over bible verses in my mind to see if I could remember a prophecy about the moon disappearing.
All I could come up with was... that God is amazing. And it's His world, His creation. He does strange and weird things sometimes that we don't understand. And sometimes they're for a reason that we can see--- sometimes they're just because. Because He's God. Because He loves us.
I love it when this happens. I come to a problem, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope... and I end up in the Bible, reading a verse that specifically speaks to my situation.
(Okay, I'll admit there are times when this actually annoys me. Example: being frustrated with someone and wanting to find a verse on righteous anger- which I did not find. What I came across instead was the verse in James that says "be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" and then it later goes on to say "do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." That was obviously what I needed to hear at the time but it wasn't what I wanted to hear.)
But today, I love it. I've been thinking and praying and thinking and praying some more about the future and I can't seem to make heads or tails of it. I have no idea what I'm going to do. There are different options and ideas- some of them are even kindof working out. But I'm still so confused about if they are the options I'm supposed to be pursing. Or if they are just options that just happen to be available.
I have been talking to friends and family about the options and if anything it's made everything more complicated. Not to say that they aren't helping- they for sure are. Yet, since we are all our own person, everyone has their own idea and view on things. One thing that stays constant is my constant statement of "I don't know." It's one of my main responses when I'm asked what I'm thinking or feeling. But another thing that is constant is that everyone is telling me and I know that I need to go to the Lord with this.
I was reading in Jeremiah (I'm working my way through the book) and I came to chapter 33 vs.3 which says "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." I read this verse about 5 minutes after telling my sister "I don't know" again and her replying "it's okay to not know." And I realized, that yet again God had answered my unspoken question of "do I need to know right now?" and i learned- no, I don't need to know. God's got it all under control. He will show me what I need to know. My brother and I were chatting and he stated that I shouldn't try to force what I think is best... and to know that God will direct me. And also just the reality that whatever I choose, God will use.
So right now, I'm just resting in this reality:
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I don't know. But that's okay. And God will use me in whatever I do. It's not something that can push me away from God. He's always there. And as long as I keep Him number 1, that's all that I need to know.
#1- Sorry for not blogging lately. I wish I could say I had a good reason for it. The reality is that I'm simply trying to live as much as I can down here these last few weeks and so that means that my time on the internet has lessened.
#2- It is getting hard to realize that in about 5 weeks I will be leaving this country that I have fallen in love with. It's especially hard to not know when I might return but know that I'm going to be leaving part of my heart here. I have never felt so "right" in a place. I pray that God will bring me back and soon.
#3- Corazon Contento is going really great. Actually, if I could come back down and work with the school more I would love to! Paloma has such a heart to change this country and each of the professors put in 8 hour work days (twice as much as my 4 hours- which can be exhausting). We are starting to get some new students but at the same time some of the students who have been there are starting to not come. I don't really understand why: Corazon watches their children for basically 9 hours a day for free but yet some still don't bring their children.
#4- This week is Semana Santa which means that there is no school. Most people just go to the beach. Therefore, I do not have Corazon this week and I had the ability to go back to the nursing home that I wrote about a while ago. Annie and I washed pots for 2 hours that were covered with black on the bottom and stained our hands and clothes. (Actually, Annie still can't get all the black off of her arms). It was alot of fun and we were able to help them. Although, we did find a spider in one of the pots--- I have gotten used to bugs being down here. But I wil never get used to spiders. Ever. And this one was huge! We thought it was dead... it wasn't. Annie tried drowning it: didn't work. So we ended smashing it with a piece of lumber.
#5- I also helped out with the children's ministry yesterday afternoon which was alot of fun. Painted some nails hot pink.
#6- I've been so blessed with some great Nicaraguan girlfriends down here. We get together and they paint my nails, making them art- flowers, colors, dots... and they're so selfless. We love to sit around and listen to music, maybe dance, talk... For a long time, I wondered if I was going to leave Nicaragua with any real relationships with Nicaraguan girls: they can tend to be more shy than the guys. I'm going to miss them alot.
#7- The past weekend, I did have a hard time with wanting to be alone. I've always been an introvert, just sometimes I am able to act like I'm not. And after 7 months of living with 15 people all the time and never being able to truly get away from people... it finally caught up with me. I was able to take Tuesday morning off and just allow myself time to sit and be alone. It helped alot and I'm happy to say I'm feeling alot better now.
#8- In reading the Bible lately, I have come across some verses that I have never read before. And I don't know why. And of course, as I write this blog, I can't remember them all or even their references. Be back in one second after looking online for one of the verses... Finally found it. 1 Corinthians 15: 10a - "But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect." I'm not going to go into a whole long explanation of why I like this verse or what I think it means. I simply like it and I wonder why I have never heard it before.
#9- April is supposedly the hottest month of the year here. It has been a little hotter but not unbearable. And then we're told that the first day of May, it pours. And it rains every day in May. So it's possible that we will get get continual rainfall in May til we come home.
#10- Above all, God is really great. He gives me what I need daily and manifests Himself to me in many ways. There is no place I can go here without seeing Him and being reminded of His intense love for me. And I only hope that I have been able to show a part of that love to everyone I have come in contact with here...
I'm lying on a grass mat, in the middle of the backyard of El Puente, with a sea of endless stars stretching above me. {And, a bug just flew in my mouth...} It's been windy today and the wind is whistling through the trees that are scattered around the landscape.
I've learned to love the wind more on this trip; it used to just annoy me. It would always start up after I had just put chapstick on and would blow my hair in my face. Or it'd kick up when I was walking by a dirt field and scatter the dirt in my direction. However, there have been times on this trip when I just want to sit in it.
You know that feeling, when the wind is surrounding you? It's not coming from the left, the right, front or back; it's encompassing you somehow. When I feel that, I simply think of God wrapping His mighty arms around me and caressing me. Because, the wind isn't rough when it surrounds me, it is gentle yet firm. Like being held tenderly yet tightly in someone's embrace. I know God can use other people to touch me and show me His love but I feel like sometimes, He just wants to touch me Himself.
I can't help but want to feel God in a more physical way sometimes. Actually climb up into His lap, feel His arms fold me in His safe embrace. Sometimes, I am able to feel this with Him, feel like I am physically with Him.
However, if there are times that I don't, I am able to see Him in this world He has placed us in- and one of the easiest ways is in nature. I love looking around and seeing how God expresses Himself to us in nature: seeing His solidity and strength in the mountains, His gracefulness in the waves, His creativity in the sky...
And so, even though I sometimes can't feel like I'm with God physically, I cannot deny that He still chooses to show Himself to me through the physical world.
God is so good! The prayer house that was started in the backyard of El Puente is growing and going through many constructional changes. This is a video that my amazing teammates made to raise support for the house. Check it out!
Over Christmas, I received a Spanish/ English Bible as one of my Christmas gifts. I was so excited- sometimes there are passages in the Bible that make more sense to me when I read them in Spanish. However, something that I considered a downside to receiving this new Bible is that I was not able to open to a page, see the notes or underlining I had previously done and relive what God had already taught me. Yet, on the other side of that, it meant I was able to approach it as "unknown"... each lesson would be brand new, each discovery exciting. I'm currently going through Psalms- and I'm loving reading passages that I had underlined in my last Bible, remembering what they mean to me, and also encountering other verses that are speaking to me right now. One of my favorite verses {I have it painted on my wall in my room back in Colorado} is Psalms 62:8 "Trust in the Lord at all times, O people. Pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge"
{Quick God story: When we were down here over the fall, we were having a women's bible study on Esther. One day, Heather had a pile of paper, each which had a verse on it. She went around the circle, handing each of us one randomly. When she came to my place, she handed the slip of paper to me; I opened it to find Psalms 62:8. God knew I needed to remember this verse and chose to remind me of it through Heather. Needless to say, that was a good day.}
The other day, I came across Psalm 62 as a whole- and I realized that it's not just verse 8 that I like, the entire chapter grabbed my attention. The chapter talks about our rest coming from God and how He is our salvation, our rock, our fortress, our refuge, that He is loving and strong. I love seeing who God is and how He manifests Himself my life. It gives me courage and peace to know that He is always there for me when I need Him and that He has everything and anything I need. Also, in just one chapter in the Bible, He is seen in more than 6 ways- to realize that He shows Himself in that many ways in just one chapter, it makes me think of how many more ways He is able to show Himself to us in the rest of the Bible. I love finding out more ways to see my Lord and also seeing how He chooses to show Himself to us: whether it be in the form of a cloud, fire, a donkey... I really do love discovering new things about Him. Or at least, being reminded of how creative and multi-faceted our God is.
The past couple of weeks have flown by- starting ministry every morning during the week at 8 and then Saturdays filled with running to the internet cafe, the library to help out and hanging out with some friends down here, followed by "family day" Sundays... ya, it flies by. Our spring break is coming up on the 7th; spring break is the half way point for this part of the trip so once we get back, we're on the down slope to the end. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I truly love it down here. It's become a home, a place where I'm so comfortable and I can't imagine not seeing some of these people again. But I keep telling myself that God knows what is coming next and therefore I don't need to worry.
My main ministry, Corazon Contento, is going well. They just hired a new specialist teacher named Cindy. She's been bringing some more structure to the school and the classes which is good. I tend to either have really good days or hard days. The hard days usually end up me trying to handle a situation that is difficult and getting frutrated, realizing that I'm not trained at all to work in a school like this, but God gives me patience to make it another day. I've realized each day is new, so therefore God will give me what I need for that day.
My other main ministry, the jewelry ministry, is... well, it's taking longer to get up-and-running than we thought it would. A proposal has been turned in... but that's about it. We're hoping it will start soon.
Besides those, I've been able to help with grocery shopping (which is always an adventure- when you're shopping for 16 people, it's alot of food).
The house of prayer that was started down here is gradually growing and it is encouraging to see how many people come and dedicate part of their day to pray. The time spent in the house of prayer can look however you feel led: prayer, singing, playing instruments, drawing, dancing... However you worship and pray and praise God.
We just had a poetry festival come through town which brought crowds of people and lots of vendors. We were able to go out a couple of times and listen to the poets but it's hard to understand a spanish poem... even harder to understand a taiwanese poem!
I've been amazed that this past week, even though it has been one of the most frustrating weeks I've had down here, that it's been the week that I've felt God the most. I've had to rely on Him so much this past week, praying to him and calling to Him. I was forced to realize how much I trust in Him and I was suprisingly encouraged with how much I do. I think I could have lost my sanity {maybe an exaggeration although at times I felt like it was possible} if it wasn't for having Him always with me. There's just something about feeling at the end of your rope in a place in life and realizing even if this situation doesn't work out how I think it should, God is still good. And I know He's going to work things out according to His will and that's what I want for my life.
As this week has gone by, I've been able to figure out what my schedule for these next few months will (probably) be. And I'm getting very very excited to start! What it's looking like is:
Working at Corazon Contenta
Monday thru Thursday- 8 am to noon or 1 pm. They need assistants for the educational area which is in the morning... and one of the things Paloma, the director stressed was the desire for consistency. So I figured if I could basically come every day at the same time I would try to. I'm excited to be going daily and continue to grow the relationships and pour more into the people.
Fridays- 9:30 to noon or 1pm. The reason that Friday is different is because we have women's bible study for our team in the morning from 7:30 to 9.
Working with the jewelry making ministry:
Now, we just found out a couple of days ago about this ministry finally- and it's such an exciting opportunity. One of Younglife's sponsors down here is Opportunity International and this ministry would be sponsored/ financed by them. The idea is to provide Younglife with a means of an income so that they can slightly support themselves. Also, the jewelers would get an income- and they want to take this project into rural areas to so that they can provide the kids there (whose schooling ends at age 11) with a trade. Another aspect of the ministry is to teach a few kids how to lead and handle the project so that when we leave in May the ministry doesn't fall apart.
The class times of actually making the jewelry would be in the mornings (since the older kids usually go to class in the afternoon) and as you can see, my mornings are full. I'm probably going to be involved in the more "administrative" side of the project: research, brainstorming, budgeting and training the next leaders. This project still is in the planning part- we have to draw up a proposal and give it to Opportunity International and then start figuring out how to get information out there about the class, go shopping for tools and supplies, figure out what would be a good starting project... plus more. So, it's going to be a little while before the ministry is up and running totally. But I'm so excited to see where God takes this ministry and who He raises up to take over in the end.
Those are the two main ministries I'll be helping out with and... can you tell I'm excited?? They are two ministries that are, well, totally different that what I thought I was going to do when I left in December.
I would encourage you to maybe go check out my teammates blogs- they are all also involved in incredible ministries and it would take a long time to describe and talk about them all.
So... I don't know if you know, but we're not really supposed to get into a relationship during this trip. And I'll admit, that's pretty good advice- it takes your attention from the trip and the reason for being down here, which is God. But, I have a confession- I'm in love. (for those that don't like love stories, maybe stop here cause it'll probably get a little mushy)
Here's the story:
Now our relationship has been a difficult one... He has been pursuing me for awhile. At first, I was naïve and thought "Not me. I'm not that great. Other girls sure... but me? Makes no sense." Then, once I realized that He was serious about pursuing and started telling me how much I meant to Him, I got swept away as most girls are when first pursued and desired. But then, after I began to believe that this amazing love was for me, I began to wonder what His intentions were. Why me? What did He want from me? Whenever I asked Him all He would say is "I want you. All of you. Your past, your future. Your hurts, your joys, your desires. I want you to want me. I want your entire heart." Now, when someone tells you they want your heart, there's a choice. You can either give it to them or not. And at first, I wanted to just be in a partial relationship- sometimes those relationships are called "friendships with benefits"; like, I could go to Him when I needed comfort or maybe if He needed me for something, I could be there for Him. But I was really iffy about giving Him my heart. It's something that is so precious and so easily broken. However, all He kept saying was "Trust me." [which is a struggle for me] He continued to bring it up to me and ask me, slowly and deliberately how much of myself I would give Him. I would try to avoid the question at first, cause I knew that my answer would disappoint. And I knew each time I couldn't say "Yes" to Him, I hurt Him a little more. But His love was evident in the fact that He continued to pursue me... when others would have stopped. His obvious love and desire for me- this warrior Prince- finally captured me. I've finally realized that I have no reason to doubt Him. He's always been trustworthy, I've never felt alone, and His love for me is evident. And I am head-over-heels in love. And I don't care who knows.
For those of you that might not have caught on, I'm talking about God. Don't worry, I'm not breaking the rules ;-)
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